2016

I can't believe I'm coming back here.

I thought I could not be bothered to write here anymore, yet here I am.

So, today I'm going to pour some of my rage as usual.

From my point of view, motherhood is a bridge that has taken some of my friends away. A lot of them said the view from there is incredible. But it's not about the view. Any view could feels amazing if you have the right partner. 

It feels like I'm running out of person who haven't crossed that bridge.

It feels like the whole world is coming down on me.

All these rages gotta go somewhere (2)

If you wonder why do I keep pouring my rages here, here’s some reasons why;

1. Sometimes I feel so lonely. After 12 constant hours of tolerating ‘noises’ in order to cope with social norms, I need to take those garbage out and reboot my mind. Yet I feel like I have no one to talk to. My S.O? Sure, perhaps he could help me. But sometimes these junks are so tiny, it just doesn’t seem to worth the effort it takes to pick up the phone, pour some more energy to translate those noises into words and convey them to another person. Not to mention I can’t force him not to bring any extra junks. Talking to my self and meditating before sleep seems simpler and more effortless, but at the same times all I really want to do is take a long hot bath and sleep until all those noises are fading.

2. I just want to put it out there, so I can reread them later and be embarrassed about it.

3. I silently wish that those noise makers read these rages and .. do what?

4. I need somewhere where I can judge people upside down - inside out and wrote about it mercilessly, ruthlessly, consciously, without having to explain furthermore. I don’t need to tell anyone about their backgrounds, their previous story, their character, but I can’t keep it inside my head; I NEED to put it out there and keep it somewhere where I could access them later. These junks gotta go somewhere.

5. To keep track of my train of thoughts. These junks might be useful later, and I’m not the kind of person who throws anything out.

Why do I need so many reasons just to be able to pour my rages on my own blog? Why life is so complicated and I constantly feel the need to explain the nature of my actions to someone else even though I decided not to? 

Yes, this is a silent scream.

Things I have to tell myself again and again and again

1. Some people reserved themselves to hear what they wanted to hear, and turned their back against whatever is not.

2. I need to identify those people immediately in order to avoid unnecessary mistakes which usually leaves deep cut on both sides.

3. I should never tell them what's on my mind. They could never accept my point of view because they judged me already but it's their loss. I'll save some energy, too.

4. I have no need to explains myself / excuse my actions. Those who dislike me would never get it through their ears, and those who knows me wouldn't need it in the first place.

5. I could never please everyone, stop trying.

6. Your mood should not dictates your manner.

7. Stones are stones. No matter how long you soak them in water, they'll be stones forever.

8. You could never understand some people's way of thinking no matter how hard you tried and analyse, stop trying.

9. Despising something deeply but trying to stay polite = constantly holding yourself from rolling your eyes back and forth. (((Yet on your mind you rolled them so hard you could almost see Saturn's satellites.)))

10. Yes, I've changed and that doesn't happened overnight. (((rolling eyes back and forth)))

11. Yet some people don't.

12. We're all battling a different war. Please, please, please, stop thinking that your pain / misery is the greatest one of all.

13. If you think the neighbours have better stuffs, something's wrong with your house. Have a little pride of yourself.

If this post makes you think I'm a self-centered asshole, please refer to point #4 then assess your future demeanour towards me.

Good night, have a decent rest.

All these rages gotta go somewhere

QUESTIONS :

1. Does being married makes you feel better than those who haven't?

2. Does being a mother makes you feel wiser than those who aren't?

ANSWERS :

1. You should. You're all sold and paid for, bitch. What are you whining for? You have someone to talk to, cry on, hug and never let go for, kiss, make love or all kind of war and every other activities imaginable by human mankind. No matter how weird / crazy you are, you already have someone who accept you. They promised to never let go of your hand.

Meanwhile, we, single girls, may be in a relationship so healthy and happily being drunk in love or whatsoever, but we haven't nailed it yet. There's always points of insecurities, all going to the same question : will we make it to the next step?

So yeah, married girls, you OUGHT to feel better than those who haven't.

2. No, you don't. I know being a mother means hard works, hard times, lots of ups and downs, etc., believe me : I've seen it all.

You may say : "You don't know how does it felt to be a mother until you're one." Which may be true, for those incredibly insensitive creatures. But for most women with sensible mind and heart, we could sympathise with you, dear mother. And it doesn't put you in a superior position to lecture us.

You think single life's easy? You think being single and unemployed easier than being a full-time mother / wife? Think again. You have goals to achieve to. You have a child to nurture, a husband to love, a home to manage. Your chore is your work, and the results are your payment. Being single AND unemployed means no goals, no chores, and of course no payment. For both sides, both mother and single gals, this may seemed bitter / schweeeett depends on HOW YOU SEE IT.

You said "It's easy being single, you're free to do whatever you want to do." YEA RITE. You know how I felt every-single-time someone shove me that sentence in my face? Like chewing a diamond-flavoured bubble gum. You become a mother by your own choice. Have some life-flavoured bubble gum as well.

Stop saying things like "I'm a mother now, I'm holier than thou". We all have different live, just chew whatever flavour you had in front of you.

Have fun, bitch.
Life's hard already, there's really no need for being a jerk.