If you wonder why do I keep pouring my rages here, here’s some reasons why;
1. Sometimes I feel so lonely. After 12 constant hours of tolerating ‘noises’ in order to cope with social norms, I need to take those garbage out and reboot my mind. Yet I feel like I have no one to talk to. My S.O? Sure, perhaps he could help me. But sometimes these junks are so tiny, it just doesn’t seem to worth the effort it takes to pick up the phone, pour some more energy to translate those noises into words and convey them to another person. Not to mention I can’t force him not to bring any extra junks. Talking to my self and meditating before sleep seems simpler and more effortless, but at the same times all I really want to do is take a long hot bath and sleep until all those noises are fading.
2. I just want to put it out there, so I can reread them later and be embarrassed about it.
3. I silently wish that those noise makers read these rages and .. do what?
4. I need somewhere where I can judge people upside down - inside out and wrote about it mercilessly, ruthlessly, consciously, without having to explain furthermore. I don’t need to tell anyone about their backgrounds, their previous story, their character, but I can’t keep it inside my head; I NEED to put it out there and keep it somewhere where I could access them later. These junks gotta go somewhere.
5. To keep track of my train of thoughts. These junks might be useful later, and I’m not the kind of person who throws anything out.
Why do I need so many reasons just to be able to pour my rages on my own blog? Why life is so complicated and I constantly feel the need to explain the nature of my actions to someone else even though I decided not to?
Yes, this is a silent scream.